The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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