OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
