your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
that is very illegal...i love you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
