I queefed so loud it echoed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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