so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
