her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
