why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
