my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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