Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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