Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
