My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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