u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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