Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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