Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
