How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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