So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
im on a boat
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