you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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