There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
3 2 1 whiskey
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
