im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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