i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
