I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
