I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
