he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
