I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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