I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
