he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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