Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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