***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
