I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
