I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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