Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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