I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
