I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
