There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
