sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
