I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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