I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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