I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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