This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
