Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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