and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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