I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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