I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
