Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
