I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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