:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
