know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
