Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
