After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
