We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I didn't notice because vodka
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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