M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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