I will die if light touches me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
