I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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