so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We have so much sex to catch up on
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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