my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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