I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
