Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
